Oblivious Me
Uni assesment aka a memoir piece that I can finally post up now my results are back. (p.s. I passed every subject :D)

"Did you know that wolves are lead by the leader male, the alpha and the leader female, the beta. They are the only one's who are allowed to mate, and once they have pups the lowest member of the pack, the omega, will take care of the pups.  So when the pack goes out to hunt, he will watch over the pups so no harm will come to them."

That's about when I noticed that my friend's had lost interest of what I was saying. They were more interested in boys and trends while I still obsessed over all kinds of animals. I had been ever since I had learnt to talk and I never really got over talking about them. I guess you could say I had always been oblivious. Though when I grew up I became oblivious to more things then just people not loving animals as much as I do.
Growing up, my mother, who always looked out for me, could see just how oblivious I was to other people. So she was always there to tell me her exact thoughts on how beautiful she thought I was and how everyone around me was watching me. She used to say that I never noticed when people were looking at me even if they were, "We were in Thailand and all the men were looking at you but you had no idea. You were not really watching out for people from what I could see. You didn't seem as self concious as other teens." This is probably one of the reasons why I never noticed or believed that the guys that my mum kept telling me were flirting with me or had crushes on me. She still reminds me of these guys by randomly mentioning "I was aboslutely convinced that Fleming liked you but you didn't notice" and when reminicinsings saying things such as '"There was a nice boy from AIS that I thought liked you." As any child I just thought these was the ranting of a proud mother but now I look back and I'm starting to see some truth in her words. Maybe these guys did like me and I was just so darn oblivious that I couldn't see it myself.

I'm not sure if my obliviousness comes from the fact that I have aspergers, but it would make a lot of sense if it did. Having aspergers means that people like me are socially inept and can't read facial expressions or certain gestures. Which of course means that people with aspergers  spend a lot of time not understanding the people around them and their interactions. On top of it these kinds of people are often in their own little worlds, ignoring all the other people or keeping on their one thought track ignoring any other subject. So as a result these people would be oblivious to a lot of situations and are often consindered mindblind as they don't see what is going on around them. Which explains why I've always been oblivious and how I've been so darn blind to any kind of flirting. Aspies often miss people flirting with them and cant figure out how to flirt back. Just googling aspergers and flirting comes up with hundreds of websites. They range from  instructions to Aspies on how to flirt and how to pick up on flirting to forum discussions of dozens of Aspies discussing flirting.  These forums are filled with people who I can sympathize with as they are telling stories of how they can never get a partner because they are oblivious to romantic advances.

'I have aspergers and this is so true - much to my disappointment. While being out shopping etc. with my mother and sister on several occasions they asked me why I didn't respond to the girl that was flirting with me. I was dumbfounded and asked "Which girl?" Mother said "the girl you were talking with. The girl that kept smiling at you and fluttering her eyelids."
I thought that she and the other girls from the other times were nice too and I liked them, though I though that they were out of my league.
Another time more recently there was another girl that I thought might have been flirting with me but I wasn't sure. She was serving me at KFC (Kompletely Fucked Chicken) and kept looking up at me as she gave me 4 pieces of chicken when I asked and paid for 3. I didn't know how to respond in turn to show her my interest and was concerned about making a fool of myself. I wanted to know so I opened my mouth to ask "Are you flirting with me?" but I realised that this may be embarrassing for here so I said "thank you," and left.'

Reading stories like this from a person called sanity personified, I truly feel like I'm not alone.  It seems like me and hundreds of people with aspergers are out there floundering in the great sea of people looking blindly for love.

Then again maybe it wasn't just that aspergers that made me so oblivious, it might have also been because of my low self esteem. Being bullied for most of my life had caused me to have a terribly low self esteem for myself. It also didn't help that I had not been asked out till I was fifteen years old, and at that age it felt like everyone but me had a boyfriend. So I didn't think it was possible that someone could actually like me romantically, and didn't think anyone would ask me out. Ironically this probably made me even more oblivious to people trying to flirt with me and  therefore made it so that I never thought anyone would like me. I later noticed that it wasn't that guys hadn't liked me but more I hadn't realized their intentions.

It wasn't until I was in about year 8, way past the age where I was supposed to have picked up on flirting, that I noticed that a guy I hung out with in year 6 once had a major crush on me. I was telling stories to my new friends about how this guy, Chris had always made me laugh..and then the penny just dropped. I felt like such an idiot, how had I not noticed this before?! I was telling this story about how crazy he was, about how one day after lunch I came to class and everyone was whispering about him. He had hit a guy over the head with a baseball bat and now they were worried he had a concussion. Then Chris comes in the room, perfect silence takes it's place as everyone watches him worriedly. Then he just plainly comes up to me and offer me a cookie like a perfect gentleman, instead of the boy who obviously had anger issues. Yet I had not noticed this uncharacteristic niceness to me?!

I then started to remember more situations like this. He had once brought an alibino python in to school, which he didn't totally understand the reason why it wouldn't be let on the school bus, and he brought it to science class. The science teacher let him show it to everyone giving us specfic instructions to just touch its back because if we touch its head it might bite us. So there is Chris bringing the snake around to everyone and letting them touch it's body but of course when he came to me he tried to make me pat it's head. He just kept teasing me to touch the snake's head knowing way too well that I'm actually scared of snakes, and this way the snake might actually bite me. Now it seems obvious that he was teasing me out of everyone because he liked me. So many other weird and funny situations started to flood my mind. The lizard that got loose during mandarin class, the bird that he fed to the biology's snake... he was just doing it all to get my attention! Shaking my head, I had looked at my friends and decided that I was not going to be that oblivious again. That didn't end up happening though.

When I think about it I might have also go on some dates and not realized they were dates. I know this is exactly how one of my exes, who I shall call Sparky,  asked me out to begin with.  We were talking online and he asked if I would like to go see a movie with him. I  answered yeah sure why not, not realising that he was asking me out. Sparky noticed my obliviousness though and then wrote, 'As a date'. I  just sat there looking at my computer screen for like three minutes. Hell after that I even walked away muttering to myself in total shock. I couldn't believe my good friend liked me in that way, and as that was the first time someone ever admitted they liked me, I couldn't believe someone was asking me out. I ran all these thoughts through my head for a good few minutes, which probably meant Sparky was on the other side freaking out about me not answering. Then I finally sat down back at the computer and agreed that I would go on a date with him. In the end I'm just happy he is so blunt or I would have never noticed his feelings for me.  

Luckily after a relationship or two I started to teach myself to realize when guys were flirting with me and started to learn how to flirt back. My mum claims that "because you have aspergers you have taught yourself to observe people more" and how this is amazing for an aspie. Nevertheless in the end it meant I would be walking in to a pub and I would start to notice guys looking me up and down. It was all really surprising, flattering and honestly a bit confronting. Suddenly every guy that asked me to the movies or offered me their seat was potentially flirting with me. So maybe I hadn't really learnt to be able to tell when someone was flirting with me, instead I guess I just became extremely aware that someone might be. I would always pick up on the smallest things and analyze what they meant, overthinking every moment, but at least I wasn't oblivious anymore. I truly noticed people around me, maybe even more then most people. I'm also happy to say this managed to get me just where I wanted to be.

By being so vigilant for details and aware that a guy might be flirting with me, a while ago I noticed a certain boy awkwardly flirting with me. I was good friends with a guy called Michael, we got along quite well and had a lot of common interests. After a few months of knowing each other I managed to get quite sick. Living only a few blocks away, Michael was nice enough to come over and hang out with me making sure I was ok and I wasn't lonely. We watched Buffy DVDs as we ate junk food and I huddled up with a big blanket in my PJS.  We started the day on other sides of the lounge, but as the night started to fall Michael started to move closer and closer to me. In the end I had my sick head on his shoulder as we watched the tv. After a while he left around dinner time, leaving sick old me to wander back to bed. It was only when I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for a bit, when all of a sudden I realized something... I quickly picked up my mobile and smsed him. 'Do you like me? As like...romantically?' After waiting a few minutes he embaressedely answered 'maybe'. The next day I felt a lot better and after a date, and a kiss that has been the best kiss I've ever experienced, it was set in stone that we were dating. We've now been dating for two years straight since that day and I'm genuinely planning to marry this boy. All I can say is thank god I noticed those signs.

Fashionable Me?
So today I got a huge surprise!!!
Someone stopped me and asked for my photo for a japanese fashion website :D
The site is here: http://fashioncity.jp/ and I should be ther wearing a long black coat and a wolf spirit hood, so yeah look out for me :D

Anyway because of that I'm starting to think about posting photographs of my clothes and me modeling them. I've been thinking about doing it for ages but well I never thought anyone would like my fashion so yeah what do you think? Should I start posting photos of me modeling my clothes online? :D Would anyone like it?
I wouldn't make my whole blog a fashion blog or anything but you know I'll keep it as another section like my writing and memories section :P

Thoughts? :D

New dreams and goals

So I've had this list of dreams/ life goals I've wanted since I was like 14 or so...
Pretty much it ended up being
- be a published author
- find a guy who loves me for me

And since I've managed to do both of those lately... I guess I need some more goals XD so here they are
- Marry that man (Spike)
- become a known writer and be able to earn my living with my writing
- be able to help others
(I'm trying to see if I can get a degree focusing on kids with special needs but if that doesn't work charities always need volunteers lol)

So yep! I'm ready for the rest of my life and here is to making my dreams come true! *cheers an imaginary glass*

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Strangest of Strangers

Next year, not sure when but hopefully early in the year, me and my best friend are going to start up the web comic Strangest of Strangers! I'm quite excited about this as its definitely my favourite project and I totally could see ad would like this to go on for years. I guess I just hope you guys like reading it as much as I like writing it (if not more).
So the comic is loosely based on my life and my wacky friends. It's about stuff that has happened or I could totally see happening. It's a lot of weird fun and cute anthros :)

I'll post the link when it's up and I hope you are excited for it as well :D

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


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